Fight Right … healthy communication in relationships.
Written by Marion Thomas, Gottman trained therapist based at Synapse Psychology
Gottman Therapy, also known as the Gottman Method or Gottman Couples Therapy, is an approach to couples therapy developed by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, a married couples counselling team. Based on over 40 years of research in their “love Lab” based in Seattle, USA on what makes relationships succeed or fail, this therapy aims to help couples strengthen their relationships by improving communication, increasing intimacy, and resolving conflicts in a healthy way. The Gottman Method is known for its practical, evidence-based techniques and interventions that focus on building trust, deepening emotional connection, and fostering understanding between partners. The therapy sessions often involve assessment tools, structured exercises, and specific strategies tailored to the unique needs of each couple.
In their latest book “Fight Right” they examine ways to manage conflict that will build the relationship. The Gottmans have also developed useful analogies such as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (criticism, contempt, stonewalling and defensiveness) which are destructive rather than constructive in conflict.
One concept the Gottmans talk about is "bids for connection". These are basically anything we do, big or small, to get our partner's attention. Let's say for example that you're both sitting in the same room doing separate things and one of you laughs out loud at what you're reading (= a bid for connection). There are three ways that the other person can react to this bid:
they turn toward by asking you "what is that you're reading/watching?"
they turn away by ignoring your laughter
they turn against by saying something negative or harsh
According to the Gottmans's research, the couples who were still together and happy 6 years after their stay at the Love Lab, turned towards each others bids 86% of time as opposed to 33% for couples who were not going well.
What can this teach us about our relationships and how to nurture them? Small daily things are crucial in the long run, and they can even help us to deal with conflict in a healthier, less damaging way. Making an effort to turn towards rather than turning away or turning against has an overall positive effect on the relationship. The Gottmans provide helpful tips in their 5-minute episode podcast "Small things often" to help couples enhance and deepen their relationship."
At Synapse Psychology Marion Thomas is a fully qualified Gottman therapist. You can book in with Marion by either emailing admin@synapsepsychology.com.au, calling 6364 3880 or booking directly here : https://bit.ly/bookwithmarion
* Fight Right, Julie Schwarz Gottman & John Gottman, Harmony Publishers, 2024